The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations.
There are growing concerns today about the storage of private data by major internet companies like Facebook and Google.In my opinion, the disadvantages of this trend outweigh its convenience
Companies are intentions to provide better services for their customers. This relates first of all to advertising. Facebook,for example, tracks user behaviour and only then advertisers start to target audience interest in order to show them most relevant advertising. An individual can see ads related to the kinds of restaurants and other entertainments that they like. Also, the information is used to provide helpful services for consumers. Google maps is a good example of an entirely free platform used by millions that follow individuals. Sells intelligence to business, and makes life more easier for everyone
On the other hand,not properly using big data has begun and will become worse in the future. The advertisement targeted at individuals are not always harmless. During the las presidential election in the United States, foreign government sought out vulnerable groups and fed them false instruction to influence voting behaviour. Unethical companies use the advanced targeting tools in the same way. Often locating vulnerable individuals and encouraging their worst impulses by indulging coping mechanisms ranging from fast food to barely legal pharmaceuticals.This is only the beginning as the data becomes more convenient to get there are a lot of concerns that regimes working in tandem with companies will be able to create all-knowing police states and human rights abuses will become the norm.
In conclusion, the benefits of access to personal data by private companies do not outweigh future negatives. I still think that it is important for governments to manage companies and individuals attempt to take control back
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the flow of ideas and the use of linking words. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs on the benefits and drawbacks of data storage, and a conclusion. However, the flow between some ideas and paragraphs could be improved. For example, the transition between the discussion of data storage benefits and the drawbacks is abrupt. More explicit signposting language could help guide the reader through the essay. Additionally, the conclusion could be more comprehensive in summarizing the main points and reinforcing the thesis.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Ensure that your conclusion fully summarizes the main points of your essay.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few inaccuracies and awkward phrases. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as “private data,” “advertising,” and “targeting tools.” However, there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be clarified. For example, “Sells intelligence to business” is unclear and could be rephrased for clarity. Additionally, the phrase “make life more easier” is grammatically incorrect and should be simplified to “makes life easier.”
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there is a good range of structures. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures and shows an attempt to use complex language. However, there are some grammatical errors that could be addressed. For example, “Companies are intentions to provide better services for their customers” is grammatically incorrect and should be “Companies intend to provide better services for their customers.” Additionally, the use of articles is sometimes incorrect, such as in “the las presidential election” which should be “the last presidential election.”
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay clearly addresses the prompt by discussing the storage of private data by internet companies and providing a reasoned argument that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits. The writer presents a clear thesis in the introduction and supports it with relevant examples and explanations. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples and evidence to support the arguments. For example, the writer mentions that “unethical companies use the advanced targeting tools in the same way,” but it would be more persuasive to provide a specific real-world example to illustrate this point.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences in the paragraph support this idea.