: The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph illustrates figures for laborers in 5 types of works in 2 different periods (2001 and 2008).
Overall, Sales was the most chosen job in both years, while reverse was true for farming. Accommodations like accounting and nursing equally remained the third most chosen jobs in 2008.
In the beginning of the decade, the number of people who worked at sales comprised almost 160,000. In 7 years this number increased slightly with figures for above 160,000. In a job like computing, quite increase was seen, the number going up to almost 80,000 from 60,000. The number of increase in the second year was sparse, escalating from 50,000 to almost 60,000 for nursing job.
In the field of accounting there was a decrease in the number employers, going down from almost 61,000 to below 60,000 in the following year. Farming was among works that faced loss of workers in 2008, from virtually 21,000 to below 20,000.
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, but these do not impede communication.
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the information. However, the essay could be more specific in providing details and making comparisons.
Suggestions
- Include specific data from the graph to support your statements.
- Make sure to compare and contrast the data to provide a more detailed analysis.