Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion

There is an increasing concern over who takes the responsibility for the increase of weight in teenagers. Some may point at the government officials for this ongoing situation, while parents, themselves, are blamed for being ignorant. Although I am convinced that parents are little on this duty, government leads the role for this circumstance.
On the one hand, parents can be responsible as they are neglecting the diets of their children. This can be attributed to the unbalanced work and life schedule. As both parents overwork, they lack time for cooking, leading their children to eat fast foods like Hamburgers. Al too often, these meals are in high-calories and fat and thereof has potential to make children fat. Besides that we, in childhood, would be on the cards to love sweetes such as chocolates. These sweets have scientifically proven to be fattening no matter of age in of the UK Universities. Therefore, proponents of the claim blaming parents for obesity in kids, back up their view strictly.
On the other hand, it is the government which holds the responsibility as they are not checking the ingredients of foods targetted at children. This can be explained by the fact that companies are trying to sell most of its products which are nutritious and in high-calories in the margin to make more earnings. They haven’t yet realized what consequences their actions have on children. If the authorities prohibited the use of such products and checked it, the rate of obesity in children could have already been reduced. One more possibility is that government should require businesses to put the tag saying it is only eligible for people over 17+ to minimize the obesity among kids. However, they didn’t do that, and made contribution to its dramatic increase. That’s why I think, it is the government which should be blamed for this situation.
In conclusion, despite acknowledging the responsibilities of parents in this pattern, I am in favor of those who put claims on the government since it has created easy access for the food market, plus without checking the components of products.
Ozodbek Jalg’ashov

6.5

The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer’s opinion.

Suggestions

Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
Make sure to fully develop your conclusion to effectively summarize the main points and clearly state your opinion.

The essay uses a variety of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice, which can detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing. Additionally, the use of more formal language could be improved.

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay uses a variety of complex grammatical structures, but there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. These errors can detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing. Additionally, the use of more formal language could be improved.

The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay also sometimes lacks depth in its analysis and could benefit from a more thorough exploration of the topic.