Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion
WRITING TASK 2
Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while , others think that it is a fault of the parents Discuss both views and give your opinion ?
In recent years, some people think that the government employeer is responsible for the soar in weight in kids while ,the others people think that it is a matter of the their parents.In addition , this essay Discuss the weight of children between government ctaffs and parents. And , in my opinion for this evidence everyone must responsible .And not only this ,the parents of adolescents need to concentrate in this fault.
On the one hand, in the each country has government’s members. So that they do not only response the happened stetation.Also for this process that parents response too . However, for the rise in obesity in children that per capita need to think about fault .Espicially, parents .Because of this each children more stay at home .Thus, parents must controll that their children eating foods.The main reason that nowadays, in the each country exist junk foods and fizzy drinks.As a result ,numerous individuals put on weight.Additionally, in the more evidence , adoptive parents can not manage that their kids eating fattening meals.However parents having become girl and guy that wish need to cut down on their children weight .Else one problem children and only older people do not try keep up diet .And a good example for this essay that for this evidence government do not only fault and this parent’s fault too.
In conculution, some people thought that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while, others think that it is a matter of the parents.
Sodiqova Durdona.
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward, affecting readability. Additionally, the connection between some ideas within paragraphs could be clearer to improve overall cohesion.
Suggestions
- Try to use a variety of cohesive devices appropriately.
- Make sure that the use of cohesive devices does not affect the clarity of your writing.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as “obesity,” “per capita,” and “fattening meals.” However, there are instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the language. Additionally, the use of more precise and varied vocabulary could help to strengthen the argument and engage the reader.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay features a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. However, there are numerous grammatical errors that hinder clarity, such as issues with subject-verb agreement, incorrect verb forms, and missing articles. Punctuation errors, including the misuse of commas, also affect the readability of the essay. Proofreading to correct these errors is recommended to improve the overall quality of the writing.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views that the government and parents are responsible for the rise in children’s obesity. However, the argument could be more fully developed, as the ideas are somewhat repetitive and could be further expanded with more specific examples or evidence to strengthen the position.
Suggestions
- Try to develop your argument more fully and provide more specific examples to support your points.
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear focus and is well-developed.