Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while others think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some individuals believe that there is a growth of fatty boys and girls in the government, but other residents think that, this is parents’ problem. This essay gives information about the wrong of whether parents. I will entirely try to explain to you this discussion in the forthcoming paragraphes.
On the one hand, the main reason of being massive rate of young childs who have been much obesity is that, the government halt to produce ingredients, causing fat, for example; NAN 3 and etc. Because of the fact that, products like these can help be obesity so they have a negative affect for children or even babies. If the government members say about this condition to shoppers or industries they won’t do this activity. Namely, they should not generate goods which bring a worse situation.
On the other hand, this is a fault of their parents, too. Because, the prime reason of this is that, as a result of being uncareful about their boys or girls. Furthermore, they always pay attention to them, that is, what they consume as wellas, they should control their children’s breakfast, dinner and supper or even other times. Additionally, they have to teach about spending money for fast food such as, hamburger, hot dog and drinks as pepsi or coca-cola. Because they contain more oil in fast food as well as, much sugar in pepsi or coca-cola.
In my opinion, this is matter of parents more and more rather than the government. Because of the fact that children occasionally learn things from their parents.
To conclude, in current days, some people are blaming government for being obesity to children, however others believe that this is a problem of parents.
Name: Ayubjonova Muxlisa
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward, affecting readability. Additionally, the cohesion within paragraphs could be improved with more explicit linking phrases.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly with terms related to obesity and nutrition. However, there are instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be clarified for better understanding. Additionally, the use of more varied and precise language could enhance the essay.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar, punctuation and spelling. The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, but there are numerous grammatical errors that can hinder clarity. Issues include subject-verb agreement, article use, and prepositional phrases. Some sentences are also awkwardly constructed. Proofreading to correct these errors is recommended.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both viewpoints on the responsibility for childhood obesity and providing the writer’s opinion. However, the development of ideas is somewhat superficial, and the essay could benefit from a deeper analysis of the causes and potential solutions for childhood obesity. Additionally, the conclusion could be more substantial in summarizing the key points discussed.
Suggestions
- Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence and that all the sentences in the paragraph support this topic.
- Develop your arguments more fully by providing more detailed explanations and examples.