Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Some individuals consider about government is take care of the obesity of the children while others think that this state happen in order to parents careless.
It si awful of this that more ailments are observed among people.For instance, obesity.Especially this sickness is met in children.The reason of this circumstance the amount of consuming chocolate sugar and products with oil.Nowadays, the rate of manufacturing sweet are high.Naturally each kids crazy about them.Other way of this that, more parents purchase sweet for their children.I reckon that ,parents should forbid it even though children tear.
On the one hand,different types of products are producing by goverenment.To my mind,the sale of sweet is higher.However, one bad side of this that, the structure of nearly all delicious foods and drinks depend on above sugar and oil.Although, this occasion more kids tend to eating them and this situation is being major part of live.What’s more,nowadays there are a great deal of advertisements belong to sweet.And after that occasion teenagers launch asking them.
On the other hand,parents would like buy anything what children desire.From my point of view,this state is not effective always.A goof example of that,parents should take care of the children health and should control what they consume.Because eating delicious dishes bring awful illnesses.Furthermore,parents should expand their cush for preferable aims.(education,medicine and etc)In addition,more kids dislike do physical activities.In that circumstance,parents should aid to them and whole family should do exercises together.And also parents must tell their children about health and helpful foods and daily life.
To conclude,government and parents pay attention to children live.As both of them are responsible.
Normurodova Nilufar

5.5

The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a basic structure, but the organization of ideas could be improved. The introduction is unclear and the connection between different points is sometimes disjointed. Using a variety of cohesive devices will help to better link your ideas and make your argument more coherent. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic and focus will help to improve the overall cohesion of the essay.

Suggestions

Use a variety of cohesive devices to better link your ideas.
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic and focus.

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases. The essay uses a mix of simple and complex vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases. Using a variety of sentence structures will help to make your writing more engaging and dynamic. Additionally, focusing on the accurate use of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions will help to improve the overall quality of the writing.

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are some grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay contains several grammatical errors that can be distracting. Paying attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and the correct use of articles will help to improve the overall clarity of the writing. Additionally, focusing on sentence structure and the accurate use of punctuation will help to make your writing more varied and interesting.

The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the topic by discussing both the role of the government and parents in addressing childhood obesity. However, the argument could be more fully developed, and the ideas could be more thoroughly explained. Providing specific examples and evidence to support your points would help to make your argument more persuasive. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea would help to improve the overall clarity and focus of the essay.