There is a common belief that sports tournaments and professional athletes can be seen as positive role models for young adults. However, some people think that several professional athletes due to their behavior off the field, can have a detrimental effect on young minds, leading them to adopt unhealthy or unethical practices. Despite these concerns, I remain convinced that sportspeople can play a crucial role on young people when their actions are properly guided by parents or teachers.
Admittedly, some people believe that sports tournaments may negatively influence the behavior and future of young individuals.
For instance some sports athletes damage their own reputation though illegal use of drugs or controversial tweets. A notable example is Oscar Pistorious, whose actions off the filed severely damaged his image . Moreover, when sporty children watch sports athletes during their misbehavior stems from failure , cheating or their attitude towards opponents can affect considerably children’s behavior. There is no guarantee that children will not imitate such actions, potentiallyadopting unhealthy or unethical habits.
In my opinion, parents , teachers and media play an active role in ensuring young people view athletes responsibly.
As for the benefits that sports athletes could yield as positive role models, there are several upsides of this trend. Professional athletes have a potential to be very influential for young people. To be more specific, those who excel in sports can inspire sporty children towards discipline,perseverance, and young minds can draw motivation from them. Because of having lifelong passion for these sportspeople, young minds can promote a healthy lifestyle such as eating healthy diet to stay in shape just as their idols. Furthermore, young individuals can learn community involvement and leadership via professional athletes when they behave gracefully in groups.
To conclude, there is a narrative that professional athletes affect negatively on young people. I still believe that role models can have a promising impact when their behavior and actions are guided correctly.
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. Clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and more explicit linking phrases would help guide the reader through the essay. Ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will also improve readability.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Ensure that your conclusion fully summarizes the main points of your essay.
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary, but there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, “sports tournaments” is not the most appropriate term to use when discussing professional athletes; “sports figures” or “athletes” would be more suitable. Refining word choice and ensuring the correct use of idioms will improve the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay. Additionally, ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will improve readability.
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction. The essay contains a few grammatical errors that affect clarity and readability. For example, “some sports athletes damage their own reputation though illegal use of drugs or controversial tweets” should be “some athletes damage their reputation through the illegal use of drugs or controversial tweets.” Paying closer attention to grammatical accuracy, including correct verb forms and preposition use, will improve the overall quality of the essay.
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. However, the introduction could be more effectively paraphrased. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative influences of professional athletes on young people. The writer presents a clear thesis statement in the introduction and supports it with relevant examples and explanations. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. The essay could be improved by ensuring a more neutral tone in the introduction and conclusion and by presenting a more balanced discussion of the positive and negative influences of professional athletes on young people.
Suggestions
- Ensure that the introduction is effectively paraphrased and clearly states the position to be argued.
- Ensure that the conclusion is comprehensive and effectively summarizes the main points.