Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some people have a confidence that the government is responsible for the growth of obesity in young people while another humans believe that it is mistake of parents.This essay will discuss both points of views and give some ideas to this phenomen
These days a lot of children are gaining extra weight because of not truly eating.Some conditions mainly fast foods cause this event.People think that in that time the government of the city should be responsible.They should create somehow medical treatments or vaccines in order to prevent.From my experience,I know a country called Germany.In this country there are a lot of fat people and government prohibit in market shop assistants don’t sell much food and products to them I read this information on the internet If the government use this kind of rules being obesity in children decrease,I think
On the other hand, some people think that to this event guilty is parents.Nowadays a great deal of mothers feed their children with not natural things instead of giving milk and fruits which are full of vitamins.They are useful for their health.As a result, children extra weight.If parents should be careful their eating and they go to the doctor for medical checking each six months, children may not be fat.I know s woman who is my neighbour,she always gives her children artificial things for instance hot lunch from their childhood they are so fat but they are young yet
In conclusion the government ought to create laws while mother try to feed them correctly
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward or incorrect, affecting the overall coherence. Additionally, the transition between the discussion of government responsibility and parental responsibility is abrupt, and the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the key points.
Suggestions
- Try to use a variety of cohesive devices appropriately to improve the flow of your writing and make your arguments more persuasive.
- Make sure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay and provides a clear final thought.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use more complex language. However, there are instances of awkward or incorrect word choices, such as “a confidence” instead of “confidence,” and “not truly eating” instead of “unhealthy eating habits.” Additionally, the use of more precise and varied vocabulary could help to strengthen the arguments and make the essay more engaging.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. However, these do not generally impede communication. The essay features a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing. Issues include subject-verb agreement (e.g., “another humans believe”), article use (e.g., “the government ought to create laws while mother try to feed them correctly”), and preposition use (e.g., “go to the doctor for medical checking”). Proofreading to correct these errors is recommended. Additionally, the use of more varied sentence structures could help to make the writing more engaging and dynamic.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more specific examples to support the arguments. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the government’s and parents’ roles in addressing childhood obesity. However, the ideas could be more fully developed, and the essay would benefit from more specific examples to support the arguments. The conclusion is somewhat abrupt and could be expanded to more fully reflect the complexities of the issue.
Suggestions
- Try to develop your ideas more fully and provide specific examples to support your arguments.
- Make sure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay.