Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Some people believe that it is best to raise children as competitive whereas for others, teaching them how to work in a collaborative environment seems to be the optimal approach. In my opinion, children should be instilled a sense of competition, for it brings out the most out of their potential.
Admittedly, collaboration is an important aspect of daily life, and without learning how to co-operate with people, one surely finds it difficult to adapt to various environments. Many people may not like the idea of bring up their children as competitive, believing that they grow up selfish. Co-operation, on the other hand, motivates children to regard everyone as friends, which can make them share their ideas with others more openly. In terms of efficiency, this may speed up the process in the workplace: if a company wants to implement a person’s idea, allocating tasks among workers is almost always faster than giving to only one person. Hence, working together should benefit the society on the whole.
Regardless, I believe competitiveness should be a priority for everyone. Personally, competition has always helped me grow in keeping my GPA high in high school since the idea of being and staying at the top has motivated me to realize my true potential. Competition, albeit stressful and tiring, encourages individuals to fight and strive to the top. What better inspiration can there be than knowing someone is progressing faster than you? This, however, is not to say that children should be taught to risk everything to overtake; moderation is essential and that parents should explain the importance of consistency and slight improvements. No beginner can hope to outpace a person, for example, who has been training for years.
In conclusion, working together does indeed benefit everyone: it makes children selfless and caring. However, I believe parents should choose to make their children competitive as it helps them recognize their talents and potential.

7.0

The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.

Suggestions

Use more linking words to improve the flow of ideas.
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic.

The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity. For example, the phrase “it makes children selfless and caring” could be more accurately described as “it fosters a sense of selflessness and caring in children.”

The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures and is generally free of grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect verb forms that could be revised for clarity. For example, the phrase “No beginner can hope to outpace a person, for example, who has been training for years” could be more clearly expressed as “A beginner, for example, may not outpace someone who has been training for years.”

The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both views and providing a clear personal opinion. The writer presents a well-structured argument with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that discuss each view, and a conclusion that restates the personal opinion. The use of specific examples helps to support the arguments effectively. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the argument that competitiveness is beneficial. Additionally, the conclusion could be more comprehensive in summarizing the main points discussed.