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The chart below shows the places visited by different people living in Australia

The bar chart portrays the data about the places where is visited by three different people living in Australia. They are individuals who born in Australia, New migrants who born in English spoken countries, and New migrants who born in other countries. The data set is measured in percentage. The most obvious information are that Cinema is the highest place visited by the Australian and new English spoken migrants but Theater has the minimum proportion of place visited by the three different visitors.
First of all, Cinema is predominant space visited by people who born in Australia and English-speaking countries. Furthermore, the proportion of spot visited exactly same between Cinema where is visited by migrants from other countries and Zoo where is visited by English spoken migrants. In addition, Zoo visited by Australian and other countries have virtually visitors with Library visited by Australian and English spoken persons at around 30-40%.
On the other hand, all three different people origin visits very rare for Theater, all at under 30%. Moreover, Library is the different location where is visited. All three other places, they are Zoo, Theater, and Cinema show that person who born Australian and English spoken more visit than new migrants born in other countries. However, in Library individuals who most visited are New migrants from other countries.

6.0

The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the data. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.

Suggestions
  • Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.

The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of collocation. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there is some attempt to use conditional and passive structures. However, there are several grammatical errors and some of the sentences are unclear.

The essay provides a clear overview of the data and makes some relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by making more specific reference to the data.

Suggestions
  • Include more specific details and examples from the data in your analysis.
  • Make sure that you fully address all parts of the task.