Some people believe that education should focus on preparing students for employment, while others think it should focus on personal development. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
There is a debate over which education method is better for students, with some saying education should focus on preparing students for career and others arguing that it should aiming for personal development is better way. In my opinion, while first way have some benefits, second method is better as it’s providing personal development and skills.
The former method is helpful and beneficial for students to get jobs in the future by this method students don’t have difficulty adapting to the workplace and communicating with colleges. furthermore it’s also beneficial for government to get better stuffs .
On the other hand, education is often regarded as a foundation of thriving society not only for working and career. By aiming for personal development method, students don’t struggle with adapting to the complex world. Otherwise, getting job is also can be easy by personal development, skills and acquiring the knowledge.
In my opinion, despite both methods are vital aspects of education latter method is more useful for education and that’s mainly because human beings is full of emotions, feelings and creativity, not only working as a robot. Moreover school graduates find their place in life easier with this method.
In conclusion, while former way have it’s own advantages over latter, developing personal skills method is better for education to make their graduates fit for job.
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward, affecting readability. Additionally, the transition between the two main body paragraphs could be smoother to better guide the reader through your discussion.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow of your writing.
- Make sure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. You use a range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as “personal development,” “employment,” and “thriving society.” To improve, consider the precision of your word choice and the formality of language, ensuring that all terms are used accurately and appropriately.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there are some error-free sentences. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward constructions that can be distracting. The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures but is also plagued by grammatical errors, including issues with subject-verb agreement, article use, and pluralization. Focusing on these areas can significantly improve the clarity and professionalism of your writing. Additionally, be mindful of awkward phrasings and redundancies that can be streamlined to enhance the overall quality of your writing.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. You have addressed the task by discussing both sides of the argument and providing your opinion. However, the essay could be strengthened by providing more specific examples to support your points. In the body paragraphs, you mention the benefits of each educational approach but do not provide concrete examples or evidence to support your claims. Including specific examples of educational systems or countries that have successfully implemented either approach would enhance your argument. Additionally, your conclusion could more effectively summarize your main points and reiterate your stance.
Suggestions
- Include more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph is fully developed and clearly supports your position.