Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe that there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your own opinion
There is ongoing debate over what contributes to personal happiness. While some argue that individual responsibility is the key factor to happiness, i firmly believe with those who contend influencing of external factors is more significant.
Advocates of individual responsibility argue that personal actions play a crucial role to promote happiness. Pursuing reliable hobbies and setting vital decisions or goals often contribute significantly to happiness and wellbeing. For instance, people can boost after overworking their happiness with favorable recreational activities such as cycling, hiking, and just hanging out with friends which are only personal decisions. Moreover, personal efforts such as healthy lifestyle or meditation can foster happiness. In fact, considering the last researches in Oxford university showed that daily 15 minutes morning meditations boost happiness level significantly and promote healthy routine.
Nevertheless, i believe that external factors determine substantially overall wellbeing due to interactions, cultural and social normals. Positive interactions with loved ones such as family, friends and partners greatly affect our emotional wellbeing with having memorable activities and times generally thrive happiness. Furthermore, societies with a higher level of freedom and equality without economic disparity often report higher happiness level while over-controlling by government with strict rules or governing directly can limit individual fulfillment. Take Sweden as an example. The country has the highest population happiness level in the world because of equality and freedom without social disparity.
In conclusion, while personal actions like choosing favorable hobbies and setting meaningful goals can boost overall wellbeing , i strongly support the view that external factors have a significant impact to personal happiness with freedom and equality enhancing our happiness ultimately.
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction clearly states the two viewpoints but could be more engaging. The body paragraphs provide detailed explanations and examples for each viewpoint but could be more concise. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas.
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences in the paragraph support this idea.
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as “happiness,” “wellbeing,” “recreational activities,” and “societal factors.” However, there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and precision. Additionally, the use of more varied and precise language could help to strengthen the argument.
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, which helps to maintain reader interest. However, there are some grammatical errors that could be revised for clarity and precision. For example, in the sentence “Advocates of individual responsibility argue that personal actions play a crucial role to promote happiness,” the preposition “to” should be replaced with “in” to correct the grammatical error. Additionally, the use of more varied and complex sentence structures could help to strengthen the argument.
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both viewpoints and providing a clear personal opinion. The introduction and conclusion are well-developed and effectively frame the discussion. The body paragraphs provide detailed explanations and examples for each viewpoint. However, the essay could further develop the argument by providing more specific examples and evidence to support the claims.
Suggestions
- Ensure that the argument is fully developed and supported with relevant examples and evidence.