The chart below shows the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy.
The given pie chart illustrates the outcome of a questionnaire conducted to find out sources of happiness from different age groups.
Overall, it is noticeable that achievement at work has the highest proportion of happiness in both age groups.
According to the graphs, both age groups show a similar trend: the highest percentage indicates that achievement at work is most fulfilling-31% for the former group and 32% for the latter group. Following this, doing hobbies is the second most crucial to them with 22% for people under 30 while just 2% more for people who are over 30.
A lot of younger people prioritise having a good appearance and travelling as contributing a lot to a happy life. Precisely, 18% of them consider that being good looking is important for happiness while 15% consider that travelling contributes to a fulfilled life. In contrast, neither having a good appearance nor travelling matters to the older age group. Instead, they report that having financial security with 20% and being with their family with 14% is valued more highly to their happiness.
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The use of cohesive devices is effective, and the progression of the essay is structured in a way that makes the information easy to follow.
Suggestions
- Consider using a wider range of linking words or phrases to show more variety.
The range of vocabulary is quite good and the writer uses a variety of expressions to describe the data. However, there are a few instances where word choice could be improved.
The essay is free from grammatical errors and the sentence structures are varied and complex, which enhances the overall quality of the writing.
The essay provides a clear and detailed analysis of the data presented in the chart. The writer has effectively compared and contrasted the data for different age groups and has provided a thorough explanation of the results.
Suggestions
- Make sure to fully address all parts of the task. While you have provided a good analysis of the data, you could have included a more detailed explanation of the significance of the results and how they relate to the overall topic.