Agree Disagree Some people think that hobby is essential for their life while others think that it is just time consuming Do you agree or disagree?
In our modern world, some people think that hobbies are essential for their life, whereas others think that it is just time-consuming. I personally agree with the latter group of people.
On the one hand, many people think that hobbies are essential for their life. The reason for this is that people think that happiness can be funny and interesting of their life. From my perspective, if people are doing hobbies, their mentality are becoming high because they want to imagine. Moreover, many scientists always accent hobbies, which are more important for skilled people. In fact, 75 percent of people are more successful if they are doing hobbies when they become in the childhood era. However, the remaining percent of people are unsuccessful. In one word, many people trust hobbies are essential for their life.
On the other other hand, many people thrust hobbies and can’t change their own life. For this reason, people think that hobbies can require lots of time and people can’t spend their work from hobbies. So that’s why I don’t want to spend lots of time on hobbies. Moreover, there are so many detrimental issues. Such as smoking cigarettes, playing video games, playing Playstation, and others. I believe these hobbies are absolutely detrimental to people health. In addition, if our hobbies are becoming playing video games and our eyesight may be decreasing and mental health becomes worse than other people, and if our hobbies become smoked, our health becomes decreasing more than other people.
To conclude, these views are rational of own ways. So that’s why we must use our own ways.
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes confusing, and the connection between ideas could be clearer. Additionally, the repetition of phrases (e.g., “On the other hand, many people thrust hobbies…”) disrupts the flow of the essay and can be confusing for the reader.
Suggestions
- Try to use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas. Make sure to fully develop your points before moving on to the next idea.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as “essential,” “time-consuming,” “detrimental,” and “mental health.” However, there are instances of awkward or incorrect word choices (e.g., “funny and interesting of their life,” “accent hobbies”). Additionally, the use of informal language (e.g., “playing Playstation”) is not appropriate for an academic essay.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. However, these do not generally impede communication. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, which adds some variety and interest. However, there are grammatical errors that can hinder understanding (e.g., “On the one hand, many people think that hobbies are essential for their life,” “the remaining percent of people are unsuccessful”). Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement and tense consistency that can be distracting.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both viewpoints on the role of hobbies in people’s lives. However, the argument could be more fully developed, and the examples provided could be more specific and relevant. Additionally, the conclusion could be stronger in summarizing the main points and clearly restating the writer’s position.
Suggestions
- Try to provide more specific examples to support your arguments. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is well supported by the rest of the essay.