Children learn more from playing freely after school than doing more organised after school activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are some thoughts, that the young generation gain more knowledge without being under control than learning more organised after school. Personally, I totally disagree with this statement, because scientists had several researches related to this argue, and the results would be explained in this essay.
To start with the reason, why organisation is the key for success, there should be mentioned famous psychologist doctor Brayan Treysi, who researched this topic. Especially experiments, where people with good organisation skills had shown better results, than those who were not disciplined. The reason was related to the functionality of the human brain. Individual acts according to his habits, which means that, if a person used to delay any job then he, with approximately eighty percent of probability, would not do what he needs to. However, if the same person will plan daily tasks and commit them, then the possibility of, at least, doing fifty percent of them.
To add another provement of an advantage of being organised, the words of Khabib Nurmagamedov’s father should be noticed. Mr. Abdulmanap said, that there was one and only reason why his son became successful, and it was discipline, while the majority of people still believe that becoming a champion and being the gold belt owner engaged him to go on trainings. Abdulmanap also adds, that if he had not woken up every single day at 5 am and ran he would not have become the person who he is now.
To conclude, it should be noticed that only discipline or being organised helps to reach anything even if it is learning more, getting higher scores or being wealthy.

6.5

The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the connection between some ideas and paragraphs could be improved. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the link between the first and second paragraphs could be clearer. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. More cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences would help to improve the overall cohesion of the essay.

Suggestions

Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
Make sure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.

The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary related to the topic. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity. For example, “to add another provement of an advantage of being organised” could be revised to “to provide further evidence of the benefits of being organised.”

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, and the grammatical accuracy is generally good. However, there are a few minor errors that could be corrected for clarity. For example, “to start with the reason, why organisation is the key for success” could be revised to “To start with, the reason why organisation is the key to success should be mentioned.”

The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the topic by discussing the benefits of free play versus organized after-school activities. The writer takes a clear stance, arguing that discipline and organization are more beneficial for learning and success. The essay could be improved by providing more specific examples and evidence to support the arguments. Additionally, the conclusion could be more comprehensive.