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Children learn more from playing freely after school than doing more organised after school activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree

There are some thoughts that the young generation gain more knowledge without being under control than learning more organised after school. Personally, I totally disagree with this statement, because scientists had several researches related to this argue, and there had been shown opposite results.
To start with the reason why organisation is the key for success, there should be mentioned famous psychologist -doctor Brayan Treysi, who researched this topic. Especially experiments where people with good organisation skills had shown better results than those who were not disciplined. The reason was related to the functionality of the human’s brain. Individual acts according to his habits, which means that if a person used to delay any job then he, with approximately eighty percent of probability, would not do what he needs to. However, if the same person will plan daily tasks and commit them, then the possibility of, at least, doing fifty percent of them.
To add another provement of an advantage of being organised, the words of Khabib Nurmagamedov’s father should be noticed. Mr. Abdulmanap said that there was one and only reason why his son became successful, and it was discipline, while the majority of people still believe that becoming a champion and being the gold belt owner engaged him to go further. Abdulmanap also adds that if he had not woken up every single day at 5 am and ran he would not have become the person who he is now.
To conclude, it should be noticed that only discipline or being organised helps to reach anything even if it is learning more, getting higher scores or being wealthy.

6.0

The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the flow of ideas and the use of cohesive devices.

Suggestions
  • Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few sentences that could be rephrased for better clarity.

The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be developed more fully and supported with a wider range of examples.

Suggestions
  • Ensure that you fully develop your argument and support it with a wide range of examples.