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Despite advances in medicine, mental ill health is becoming more common amongst young people. What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measures can be taken to solve it.

In today’s rapidly evolving world, mental health problems among young individuals have been widely discussed, despite medical advancements. From my perspective, while social media and a dysfunctional family environment are major contributing factors to these issues, promoting mental health education and encouraging healthy lifestyle choices could effectively address these challenges.
One concerning issue associated with mental health disorders is the impact of social media. Simply put, children spend excessive time on their phones, playing video games, using laptops, or engaging in virtual activities, which can increase stress and lead to issues such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Cull of Duty is an example in this regard because of violent acts, raise cortisol levels, and contribute to mental health issues among adolescents. Thus, technological advancements play a significant role in this problem.
In addition, family issues are another crucial factor. Family environments, including parental pressure, divorce, or financial instability, can significantly affect a young person’s mental well-being. Early-life trauma resulting from such circumstances can have lasting effects on emotional health, unlike children raised in peaceful families that provide positive role models and a supportive environment.
However, to address these challenges, mindfulness education and the promotion of positive life habits are likely to lead to positive outcomes. Schools and communities could create opportunities for children to access educational programs that raise awareness, reduce stress, and help them cope with depression and anxiety. While these efforts might not entirely eliminate stress hormones, they can help young people manage life’s challenges with a clear mind and reduce the risk of mental illness. Additionally, adopting healthy habits can foster a better lifestyle, which includes setting a daily routine, maintaining a balanced diet, improving sleep patterns, and engaging in daily exercise for overall well-being. By practicing self-development and leading a healthy lifestyle, young individuals can lay a strong foundation to prevent cognitive health issues and improve their overall quality of life.
In conclusion, while medical advancements and technology have brought significant breakthroughs, mental health problems among young people are still prevalent. In my opinion, social media and family backgrounds should be considered key contributors to these issues. However, cognitive health education and balanced living practices could provide effective solutions to these problems.

7.5

The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved.

“Cull of Duty is an example in this regard because of violent acts, raise cortisol levels, and contribute to mental health issues among adolescents.”

Suggested revision: “For instance, the video game ‘Call of Duty’ is cited for its violent content, which can elevate cortisol levels and contribute to mental health issues among adolescents.”

Suggestions
  • Try to vary your linking words to avoid repetition.
  • Ensure that your examples are relevant and well-explained.

The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.

“Cull of Duty is an example in this regard because of violent acts, raise cortisol levels, and contribute to mental health issues among adolescents.”

Suggested revision: “For example, the video game ‘Call of Duty’ is often cited for its potential to incite violence, raise cortisol levels, and contribute to mental health issues among adolescents.”

The essay demonstrates a good control of a range of grammatical structures, with only minor errors. However, there are a few sentences that could be improved for clarity.

“One concerning issue associated with mental health disorders is the impact of social media.”

Suggested revision: “One significant concern related to mental health disorders is the impact of social media.”

The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout. The essay provides relevant, extended and supported ideas. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments. The essay could be enhanced by providing more specific examples to support the arguments. For instance, mentioning studies or real-life cases where social media has had a direct impact on mental health would provide more substantial evidence to support the arguments.

Suggestions
  • Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
  • Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.