The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the body of the essay lacks clear paragraphs and transitions. The use of transitional phrases and cohesive devices is limited, affecting the overall flow of the essay. The essay would benefit from clearer paragraphing and more explicit transitional phrases to enhance readability and coherence.

Suggestions

• Use a variety of cohesive devices and transitional phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
• Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic and supporting details.

The vocabulary used in the essay is generally basic and may not meet the higher lexical requirements of the IELTS exam. There are instances of awkward phrasing and repetition (e.g., “I would like to sell some sort of ingredients” is repeated multiple times without variation). The use of more varied and precise vocabulary, along with avoidance of repetition, would enhance the lexical resource score. Additionally, ensuring that all language used is appropriate for a formal context is important.

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and is marred by numerous grammatical errors, including issues with verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. Some sentences are awkwardly constructed, making it difficult to understand the intended meaning. Improving grammatical accuracy and diversifying sentence structures would significantly enhance the grammatical range and accuracy score. Additionally, paying attention to correct punctuation and sentence formation will improve the overall quality of the writing.

The essay addresses the task by expressing interest in a job as a shop assistant and providing some personal information relevant to the application. However, the essay fails to fully develop a convincing argument for why the applicant is suitable for the position. The lack of detailed explanation of past experience and skills weakens the overall effectiveness of the application. The essay also does not address the employer’s specific requirements or how the applicant meets them. To improve, the applicant should provide more specific examples of past experience and skills that directly relate to the job requirements. Additionally, the essay should include a more detailed conclusion that reinforces the applicant’s suitability for the position.

Suggestions

• Provide more specific examples of past experience and skills that directly relate to the job requirements.
• Ensure that the essay addresses all parts of the task and provides a clear argument for why the applicant is suitable for the position.