In many countries, too much money is spent by governments and individuals for national days such as New Year and religious festivals. To what extent you agree or disagree?

Spending money in various events has been controversial phenomenon in technology advanced century as long as proponents of this proposal strongly believe that these occasions like New Year, birthdays and anniversaries are not necessarily important to celebrate. I oppose the view of people who tend to underestimate the value of celebrations as it shares emotional intelligence, improves a sense of belonging and teaches to take care of themselves in future.
People take less care of their friends, neighbors and cousins mainly because they don’t see and visit each other on a daily basis. The events like New Year and anniversaries bring these individuals together to spend time, interact with having discussions on various topics, enjoying their moment and trying different kinds of meals. This is, in fact, the means of emotional connection where they share their feelings and ideas that could help them to appreciate and respect. In contrast, if these personalities ought to contradict a matter of celebrating and stop calling each other for parties and picnics, they would probably lose their diversity between their relatives and break family treasures that cannot be a good example for youth.
However, some events can be prohibited in many religions. In Islam, for example, birthdays and Christmas eves are restricted and not permissible to celebrate because it spreads wrong belief of God and poisons the behavior of many children. Theoretically, they follow the rules of religion and other Islam traditions prefer not to delve into these details and say to celebrate them rarely on a certain occasions. However, as long as some Islamic nations start to evolve and become more open-minded to the people from other religions, they start to dismiss some of these restrictions and value the importance of freedom in society.
In conclusion, it seems obvious that several occasions and holidays offer more benefits such as emotional strength, belonging sustainability and potential care afterwards rather than putting restrictions for festivals and events in 21st century.

7.0

The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected, but there are some areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. Clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and more explicit linking phrases would help guide the reader through the essay. Ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will also improve readability.

Suggestions

Use more linking words to improve the flow of ideas.
Make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea.

The essay uses a variety of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, “emotional intelligence” could be more accurately described as “emotional well-being,” and “diversity between their relatives” could be rephrased as “connections with their relatives.” Improving word choice and using more precise language will enhance the clarity and professionalism of the essay. Additionally, ensuring correct spelling and grammar usage will improve overall readability.

The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, but there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity and readability. These include issues with punctuation, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. For example, “People take less care of their friends, neighbors and cousins mainly because they don’t see and visit each other on a daily basis” could be rephrased for clarity. Paying closer attention to grammatical accuracy, including correct verb forms and preposition usage, will improve the overall quality of the essay.

The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response, but the argument could be more fully developed. The essay addresses the topic by discussing the value of spending money on events like New Year, birthdays, and anniversaries. The writer takes a clear stance, opposing the view that these celebrations are not worth the expenditure. The argument is well-developed and supported with relevant points, but the essay could benefit from more specific examples to illustrate the benefits of these celebrations more effectively. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.