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In many societies, there is a growing emphasis on individualism, with people prioritizing their personal goals and desires over collective interests. Is this a positive or negative development?

It is very popular for people to focus on their own aims and wishes instead of considering what group thinks. Being self-centered may seem positive for people in academic world where the possibility of achieving higher goals is manyfold; however, the overall idea of being such ignores values of the community and has an adverse effect on personality, which makes this tendency more negative one.
Disciplined people with excessive self-attention are proven to succeed faster as they ignore any sort of outer distractors. Since collective interests matter least, for them following a determined route and having clear aims to reach is more aptThey believe that by not being distracted by social issues or community hurdles, the pace of improvement and development is doubled, as is the case with the majority of scientists. A Russian mathematician, Grigoriy Perelman, who proved one of the millennium’s most significant theories, ignored distractions and pursued his dreams, leading to unprecedented success.
This positive aspect, however, is largely limited to a small minority in the scientific field, ignoring the rest. Many individuals prioritize their personal goals, which can lead to rivalry as community goals and values are overlookedIn many cases, employees try to stand out among their colleagues when it comes to bringing an idea to life, thus fostering rivalry and hindering the growth of the organization. In this case, taking into account all possible aspects in order for company to develop may only be true if third-person perspective is provided – the working style of any giant company, be it technology or service related. Organizational structure there is supposed to work as one organism and departments within cannot is linked with several tasks depending on one another.
Considering the personal matters, the idea of prioritizing individual desires and goals may awaken negative traits, such as selfishness and greediness. These terms are usually associated with self-centered people who care less about the life and interests of others, resultantly failing to give and receive support. Moreover, a feeling of alienation from society, ultimately causing people with a higher individual focus have psychological and mental issues in terms of interacting and socializing with others, therefore experiencing loneliness and remoteness from the community. For instance, the main character in the globally famous series “Harry Potter”, Draco Malfoy, used to focus only on what he needed and wanted, which left him alone and confused in the end.
In conclusion, people from academic world may think of individualism as the best way to achieve their aims and success, yet it is not true for others. Individualism may lead to serious issues such as conflicts within the company and
those affecting the well-being of individuals, thus making it more detrimental.

7.0

The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The use of transition words and phrases helps to guide the reader through the text. However, the coherence of the argument could be improved in places, such as in the discussion of the individualism in the academic world and its perceived benefits. Additionally, the use of more varied cohesive devices could help to better link ideas and paragraphs.

Suggestions
  • Try to use a wider range of linking words to improve the flow of your ideas.
  • Make sure that your examples are directly relevant to the point you are making.

The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary, with appropriate use of academic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and precision. Additionally, the use of more varied and precise vocabulary could help to better convey the nuances of the argument.

The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of grammatical structures, with a variety of sentence types used effectively. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions that could be revised for clarity and precision. Additionally, the use of more varied and complex sentence structures could help to better convey the nuances of the argument.

The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing a clear position and supporting it with relevant examples. The introduction and conclusion are well-developed, and the body paragraphs are structured in a logical and coherent manner. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places, and the use of more varied and specific examples could help to better illustrate the point being made.

Suggestions
  • Try to develop your argument more fully, and provide specific examples to support your points.
  • Make sure that each paragraph has a clear focus and is well-developed.