In many societies, there is a growing emphasis on individualism, with people prioritizing their personal goals and desires over collective interests. Is this a positive or negative development?
Today, many place a greater emphasis on individual achievements, while collaborative goals have fallen out of favor. This behavior can be attributed to several factors, such as the desire of being a public figure and social media influencer. I strongly believe that individualism can bring about potential benefits for self-development, yet team achievements can be equally impactful, therefore increased emphasis on individual achievements might not be completely beneficial development.
The rise in the use of social media platforms has resulted in the widespread exposure of personal lives. When influencers started showing off their daily achievements and the way how they obtained these goals, leading to an assumption that it is possible to achieve more in life alone, ordinary people have emphasized more on individualism. As a result, many are now reluctant to participate in teamwork where they might get little credit to their effort. English teachers in Uzbekistan can serve as a clear example, as they used to work only at schools, an educational establishment that might create competitive environment and limit their abilities. These days, English teachers have started selling their online courses, avoiding the income tax and generating lots of money through a wide customer base. Thus, individual achievements can bring economic benefits by developing personal brands.
However, teamwork can be equally compelling, as its share to the development of societies is greater. If companies achieve their objectives, they might generate increased revenues, improving life conditions of those who made their effort to reach these goals. Not only does increased revenues help to enhance life conditions of people who had joint-efforts, but it also contributes to both financial development of the government in the form tax. For instance, Apple, an international company that achieved worldwide recognition because of their contribution the development of the world in technical perspectives, obtained all their objectives with the help of skilled team. Those who for this company are considered to have reached financial prosperity too. Therefore, collective interests can also bring about economic benefits in the long-term. Moreover, individualism may come with some drawbacks. Once, people prioritize self-development, they might take up selfish behavior. This leads to harsh critics by the public provided self-centered individuals fail, making them feel alienated. While individuals are less responsible when the team fails. Hence, teamwork is safer as it involves many who can take responsibility if something goes wrong.
In conclusion, while prioritizing individual goals over collaborative achievements may be beneficial in the short-term, it may develop selfishness in people. Team effort brings more advantages, as its share to the development of societies is greater and it is less likely to fail in achieving objectives.
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved.
“The rise in the use of social media platforms has resulted in the widespread exposure of personal lives. When influencers started showing off their daily achievements and the way how they obtained these goals, leading to an assumption that it is possible to achieve more in life alone, ordinary people have emphasized more on individualism.”
Suggestion: Try to link your ideas more coherently to ensure a smooth flow of information.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more coherently.
- Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. A variety of vocabulary is used, including less common and idiomatic expressions. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
“English teachers in Uzbekistan can serve as a clear example, as they used to work only at schools, an educational establishment that might create competitive environment and limit their abilities.”
Suggestion: Be more precise in your language to avoid confusion.
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions.
“Not only does increased revenues help to enhance life conditions of people who had joint-efforts, but it also contributes to both financial development of the government in the form tax.”
Suggestion: Revise for grammatical accuracy.
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The essay provides relevant, extended and supported ideas. However, the essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of the counter-argument. The essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of the counter-argument. One paragraph discusses the benefits of individualism, while another discusses the benefits of teamwork. These paragraphs could be more fully developed to provide a deeper analysis of the topic. Additionally, the conclusion could more effectively summarize the key points discussed and restate the position more clearly.
Suggestions
- Ensure that each paragraph presents a single, clear idea and that all ideas are fully developed and supported with relevant examples.