In some parts of the world, people have become more focused on themselves than their communities. What problems can this situation cause and how can they be solved?

Nowadays, some people in some places are stuck on themselves and stop thinking and treating about society which can provide plenty of issues. This thing can have a bad impact not only for themselves, but also for whole society and even become a world’s widespread trouble. To fix it, the problem should be in a spotlight.
Firstly, in is important to consider that the problem is very popular in countries such as South Korea, Japan, China and Germany where people have to work a lot to get good salary. This makes people to have a lot of issues in a workplace and lack of time for being social. Because of it, nowadays people are “social isolated” which makes them focused only on themselves. Moreover, the issue can be started not only since getting a job, but also it can begin in their schooltime when they studied hard a lot to get higher score and find a good job in the future. This type of hard works can make people even egoists and kill empathy inside them. Once this kind of egoism have became one of the social norms, society risks to lose mutual assistance and respect toward each other.
There are some ways to solve the issues, starting with usual and ending with global one. To stop spreading of the problem, people have to teach their children about value of being social from their childhood. This upbringing can provide children how it is necessary being active in society and focus not only on themselves, but also on others. And this solution for future generation. However, there is a solution also for current generation and it is global one. Whole world should pay attention on this issue and start spreading “propaganda” to encourage them stop focusing on themselves. These are solutions for the problem which can make people more sociable.
In conclusion, it is clear that the problem comes from lack of free time and having too much jobs to do which makes people focus only on themselves. To stop it, an attention should be paid from parents and government because only they can encourage others to do or do not do somethings.

6.5

The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the progression of ideas a bit difficult to follow. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and providing a clear final thought.

Suggestions

Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
Make sure to fully develop your conclusion to effectively summarize the main points and provide a clear final thought.

The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary related to the topic, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar, but they do not impede communication. The essay uses a variety of complex and simple sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are grammatically correct. However, there are a few errors in verb tense and subject-verb agreement that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.

The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the problems caused by the self-centeredness of some individuals and proposing solutions. The writer presents a clear introduction, discusses the issue in two separate paragraphs, and concludes with a summary of the proposed solutions. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments.