Some people believe that governments should spend money on building more public parks instead of supporting sports clubs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In every country, infrastructure such as public parks plays an essential role in enhancing the quality of life, while sports clubs serve as an important tool to promote their nation’s identity on the international stage. There has been a debate about whether the government should invest in public parks more than the sport clubs. This essay agrees with the perspective that more focus should be placed on constructing public parks because internal things must be prioritized more than external things
Focusing on external achievements does not guarantee a country’s growth. While it is known that there are some countries to become famous because of sports clubs, such as Argentina with their Inter Miami FC (Football Club), it does not make it a great country. In fact, Argentina is a developing nation which still has unstable economy and lack of investment in infrastructure. For instance, their inflation raised to above 100% which is really high compared to another countries like Indonesia and bad infrastructure development.
In contrast, prioritizing internal development are very important in order to build a well-being nation, starting with investments in the education system and frameworks. When a nation have their infrastructure built well, the country will automatically grow. For example, building a public parks for recreation things can improve social interaction, and it spontaneously create an outdoor activities like trading, which can stimulate economic growth.
In conclusion, this essay supports the idea that says it is more important for government to invest more in public parks than sports clubs because of the level of priority of internal and external aspects.
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and clearly stating the overall stance of the essay.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to link all the ideas in a paragraph coherently.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choices. For example, “internal things” and “external things” could be more appropriately expressed as “internal matters” and “external matters,” respectively. Additionally, the use of “frameworks” in the second body paragraph is somewhat confusing, and could be replaced with a more specific term.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, which adds some variety and interest. However, there are several grammatical errors that hinder the overall clarity and readability of the essay. For example, “When a nation have their infrastructure built well” should be “When a nation has a well-built infrastructure.” Additionally, there are some issues with subject-verb agreement and tense consistency that should be addressed.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position that supports investing in public parks over sports clubs. The argument is well-developed and supported with relevant examples, such as the impact of sports clubs on a nation’s identity and the benefits of well-developed infrastructure on a nation’s growth. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific evidence to support the claims made.
Suggestions
- Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence and that all the points made are directly relevant to the essay topic.
- Provide more specific evidence to support your arguments.