Some people think society could benefit more if more people study business than history. To what extent do you agree or disagree？
Some argue that studying business could gain a number of benefits for society than learning history because it is a source of income and may enhance financial literacy. In my opinion, focusing on only business cannot guarantee to be financially secure, history also is equally important since most successful plans are done by looking at past papers.
Admittedly, in the modern era, more and more people are trying to study at least the concept of business in order to make money since providing family is getting more difficult due to overpopulation. According to world statistics the birth rate has doubled over the past few decades and as a result, many individuals tend to start up their own businesses, especially those who have extended family. However, not all of them reach their goals, as their business plans are not good enough to run in the business industries due to a lack of knowledge.
Learning history can be essential for becoming economically skilled. For example, instead of starting a business unknowingly, many prosperous entrepreneurs research history and avoid past mistakes. Because a massive amount of information related to business could be done in history. What’s more, studying history can be a significant tool to learn cultural and goalball business simultaneously. These days many small businesses only concentrate on particular areas within countries, and expectedly their business might boom because it is not globally recognized. Studying history, on the other hand, gives them worldwide fame because they grasp the business of each nation.
In conclusion, a large number of people are running business because of financial instability. In these scenarios understanding the past can be a crucial tool.
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the connection between some ideas and paragraphs could be improved. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the transition to the body paragraphs is a bit abrupt. Clearer topic sentences and more explicit transitions would help guide the reader through the essay. Ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will also improve the overall readability.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, “goalball business” should be “global business,” and “expectedly” should be “expectedly” or “predictably.” Improving the precision and appropriateness of vocabulary will enhance the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay. Additionally, ensuring correct spelling and grammar usage will improve the overall quality of the writing.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and a variety of grammatical structures. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward constructions that hinder overall clarity. The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect the overall clarity and readability of the writing. These include issues with punctuation, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. For example, “history also is equally important” should be “history is equally important,” and “a massive amount of information related to business could be done in history” should be “a massive amount of information related to business can be derived from history.” Paying closer attention to grammatical accuracy, including correct verb forms and preposition usage, will improve the overall quality of the writing. Additionally, ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will enhance the overall readability of the essay.
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the relative benefits of studying business and history. The writer presents a clear stance, arguing that history is equally important as business, and provides relevant arguments to support this position. The essay could be further improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments made and by addressing potential counterarguments more thoroughly. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the main points and restating the position more emphatically.
Suggestions
- Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the essay prompt.
- Provide specific examples to support your arguments.