Some people think society could benefit more if more people study business than history. To what extent do you agree or disagree？

It is argued that learning business offers greater advantages than history if people pay more attention to business. While I agree that learning business education is highly beneficial, I believe that both disciplines play equally important roles in shaping individuals and society.
Nowadays, some individuals are debating the benefits of studying business subjects, and they think that it is more important than studying history. Of course, business gives valuable skills and insights, then, these can contribute to economic growth and development. For instance, there will be a plethora of new jobs created by skilled entrepreneurs. Consequently, more people in society can be provided with jobs. As a result, the government could receive more income from taxes because of a massive workforce, and spend its income to develop the economy as well as culture.
When it comes to the role of history, it is a thing that all entrepreneurs need in today’s modern era. They have to understand the past to shape the future. They should carefully analyze mistakes which were committed in the past by prominent businessmen. By doing so, they can manage to prevent some unexpected errors in their companies. Moreover, cultural and national identity are also valuable things that history can exhibit. If people learn history thoroughly, they also learn how to preserve historical heritages. Historical structures and locations bring benefits to a nation as those attract tourists and local people. For example, there are a lot of countries which rely on profit that comes from tourists.
To summarize, while there are more advantages in studying business, I strongly believe these are not sufficient to develop society. Both disciplines have a unique role in society since studying business improves economic growth and studying history displays mistakes in the past that can be addressed by individuals.

7.0

The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.

Suggestions

Use more linking words to improve the flow of ideas.
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic.

The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity. Additionally, the use of more specific examples could enhance the argument.

The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of grammatical structures, but there are a few errors in sentence structure and tense usage that could be revised for clarity. Additionally, the use of more varied sentence structures could enhance the argument.

The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the benefits of studying both business and history and arguing that both disciplines are important for individuals and society. The writer presents a clear position and supports it with relevant examples. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places, and the conclusion could be more comprehensive.