Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crime. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Nowadays everything has been improved especially digital dechnology. Things can be bought or payments can be done via cell phones. It can be beneficial for some kind of situation but I think it has a lot of negatives.
Payments wich are done by mobile phones can be very comfortable for some reasons. One of them is human beings can pay for everything from home. It do not take extra time for distance and it can be done without any queue. For example, parents should pay kindergardens or private schools for their children to the banks and they can wait a queue for an hour minimum. This development can reduce these kind of situations. Furthermore, if people pay or bought thins via internet they can give cashback , also. They can save 1% of their money themselves. It seems that this indicator is so less but it can increase when people pay more money such as contracts for university or buging expensive things. For instance, when individuals buy car or expensive things 1% of this money is can be in millions. Thus , soem people prefer this kind of payment ways and they want to keep the persentage of their money.
There are a lot of drawbacks paying within phones. Nowadays there are a lot of hackers and they can steal money from their phones or credit cards without any track. They can do it with anonymty and nobody can get money back. In 2020, for instance, one of the well-known bank in my country attacked. They lost a big proportion of their savings and cannot get money back. Moreover, not everyone has connection with internet. Payment only should done woth internet and if there can be problem with internet nobody can pay immediate. In countrysides, people cannot connect with internet and becouse of it they could not use this technological improvment. Therefore, some wise and rich people try to avoid online payments owing to these problems, in my opinion.
To conclude, because of comforts and cashbacks some people prefer online payments but others not because they do not want to face hackers and lose money. I thinks that drawbacks are more detremental than positive impacts.
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the flow of ideas and the use of cohesive devices. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion, which aids in its overall coherence. However, the cohesion between ideas could be improved with smoother transitions and more varied linking words. For example, the shift from discussing the benefits of digital payments to the potential risks could be made more seamless with a transitional phrase such as “Despite these conveniences, it is important to consider the potential drawbacks of digital payments.”
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas.
- Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and spelling. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as “digital technology,” “payments,” “cashback,” and “hackers.” To further improve, the writer could aim for more precision in word choice and spelling (e.g., “dechnology” should be “technology,” “kindergardens” should be “kindergartens,” and “buging expensive things” should be “buying expensive things”).
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay features a mix of simple and complex sentences, but there are several grammatical errors that hinder clarity. For example, “Payments wich are done by mobile phones can be very comfortable for some reasons” should be “Payments done by mobile phones can be very comfortable for several reasons.” Paying closer attention to article use, preposition use, and subject-verb agreement will help improve grammatical accuracy. Additionally, proofreading for typographical errors (e.g., “buging” should be “buying”) is recommended.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of digital technology in relation to crime. The writer presents a clear opinion that the drawbacks of digital technology may be more detrimental than the benefits. However, the argument could be further developed with more specific examples and a deeper analysis of the implications of digital technology on crime and security. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Include more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Develop your arguments more fully before giving your opinion.