Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some inhabitants believe that the number of put o’n weight is the goverment while others’ believe that as a result of did not care about their children and I will discuss both views’ with examples in the next paragraphs
These days young people suffer from extra weight becouse of this is that the goverment did not baned junk foods’ in schools’, in kindgardens’ and where ever fattening meals sell. For instance, in our country schools’ a lot of obisity food has but childrens did not fell theirselves. In addition the goverment should be ban fast food such as hamburgers’, burgers’ and other type of fattening meals. After that I think that they have to eat less junk foods with add to sports’. Also goverment should create more sports’ together comfortables to improve their health
Moreover, some others’ think the increasing of put on weight have happened by families the reason of this is siblings’ have to warn about obesity among young people with give information about national food benefits. Although, children should attend to sports such as swimming, running for to be in a good shape while most of them prefer to play online games’ by their cell phones’.
According to a few decades ago these days childrens did not to go outdoor sports, that requires physical activities but by that time young childs’ hardly ever has not obesity
In conclusion, both views’ correct that we should pay attention add to sports and less eate junk foods’
Jo’rayev Abdumalik
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the argument less fluid and harder to follow. Additionally, there is some repetition of ideas, which could be better integrated to improve the overall cohesion and clarity of the essay.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Avoid repetition and ensure that similar ideas are not repeated.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of a flexible use of vocabulary. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing. The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies in word choice and spelling. Additionally, the use of more complex or topic-specific vocabulary could be enhanced to improve the overall quality of the essay.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there is some evidence of a variety of grammatical structures. However, there are numerous grammatical errors that hinder the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing. The essay contains several grammatical errors, including issues with verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and the use of articles. These errors can be distracting and may affect the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing. Proofreading to correct these errors is recommended to improve the overall quality of the essay.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing two perspectives on the issue of childhood obesity and providing the writer’s opinion. However, the development of the argument could be more balanced, and the essay would benefit from more specific examples to support the points made.
Suggestions
- Ensure that each paragraph fully develops a single point and is well supported with specific examples.