Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Nowadays, some people say that the authority is responsible for children who are becoming overweight. However, others have I will describe both types of views opposing views on this matter. I will describe both types of ideas in this essay.
On the one hand, in fact now the government plays more important role in humans life rather than pass such as in terms of education, sport and like this things. Maybe so some people says, authorities are responsible for overweight people which is younger in society. Namely about between 8 and 16 years old like their education system. Following this, if government is don’t allow to purchase unhealthy food and drinks to children, maybe youngest people don’t add heavy weight. In my perspective view this idea maybe true but I don’t want support this. Because child and their parents are should be careful to this position.
On the other hand, it is clear that many parents lose control over their children’s lifestyle. Because of this, children do not play sport and they used to eat fast food and harmfuln drink, as a result they become fat.For this reason, some people in the society emphasize that parents should be attentive to their children. I believe that parents always play essential role in rise children life in various ways.
In conclusion, today the opinion of the society is divided into two, that is some say that government is responsible for overweight children while others say that parents and families are more responsible. From my point of view the second theory is good option.
Bo’ronov Ulug’bek
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward or incorrect, affecting the overall coherence. Additionally, the connection between some ideas within paragraphs could be made clearer. More effective use of cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences would improve the overall cohesion and coherence of the essay.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure that the use of cohesive devices is consistent and appropriate.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as “obesity,” “lifestyle,” and “harmful drinks.” However, there are instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that affect the clarity and effectiveness of the expression. More precise and varied vocabulary, along with careful attention to word choice, would enhance the quality of the essay.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. However, these do not significantly hinder communication. The essay features a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. However, there are several grammatical errors that hinder the clarity and readability of the essay. Issues include subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and preposition use. Proofreading for these errors and focusing on grammatical accuracy would improve the overall quality of the essay.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on the issue and providing the writer’s opinion. However, the discussion is somewhat repetitive and could be more fully developed. The essay would benefit from a more detailed exploration of the reasons behind each viewpoint and more specific examples to support the arguments. Additionally, the conclusion could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and is well-developed.