Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some people have a confidence that the government is responsible for the growth of obesity in young people while another humans believe that it is mistake of parents.This essay will discuss both points of views and give some ideas to this phenomen
These days a lot of children are gaining extra weight because of not truly eating.Some conditions mainly fast foods cause this event.People think that in that time the government of the city should be responsible.They should create somehow medical treatments or vaccines in order to prevent.From my experience,I know a country called Germany.In this country there are a lot of fat people and government prohibit in market shop assistants don’t sell much food and products to them I read this information on the internet If the government use this kind of rules being obesity in children decrease,I think
On the other hand, some people think that to this event guilty is parents.Nowadays a great deal of mothers feed their children with not natural things instead of giving milk and fruits which are full of vitamins.They are useful for their health.As a result, children extra weight.If parents should be careful their eating and they go to the doctor for medical checking each six months, children may not be fat.I know s woman who is my neighbour,she always gives her children artificial things for instance hot lunch from their childhood they are so fat but they are young yet
In conclusion the government ought to create laws while mother try to feed them correctly
Qobilov Abdulla
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward or incorrect, affecting the overall coherence. Additionally, the transition between discussing the government’s role and parents’ responsibility is abrupt, and the use of linking words to show contrast or connection is missing.
Suggestions
- Try to use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to link your ideas more clearly to improve overall coherence.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as “obesity,” “fast foods,” “medical treatments,” and “artificial things.” However, there are instances of awkward or incorrect word choices, such as “a confidence,” “this event guilty,” and “not truly eating,” which detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the language use.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay features a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There are several grammatical errors that hinder clarity, such as issues with subject-verb agreement, article use, and prepositional phrases. Punctuation is also often misused, further affecting the readability of the essay.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the government’s and parents’ roles in the rise of childhood obesity. However, the discussion is somewhat superficial, and the essay lacks a clear thesis statement and a more in-depth exploration of the issue. The conclusion is brief and does not effectively summarize the key points discussed or reinforce a clear stance on the issue.
Suggestions
- Try to develop your argument more fully and provide more substantial support for your position.
- Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points discussed and reinforces your position.