Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while o
Nowadays some people believe the governments should responsible for the rise in obesity in children . the government should not increase the governments are take care of the children , but it is that habits to children , so many parents don’t forbid their children , and then the children do a lot of things in the years . I think that some of parents putted a lot of forbids and laws . For example many people think that have done a lot of intends their children , and they are putting a several laws and rules. For example limited eating fast foods and playing online games and etc.
On the other hand think that it’s the fault of that parents, but it’s nearly true idea because many rich parents don’t see their children . And their children don’t do many works , and as a result their children are obesity and they are not a lot of acts but they are do many acts , and parents control what children eat at home and can instill healthy eating habits from an early one . And after they also have the ability to encourage physical activity by promoting sports or outdoor plays.
In my opinion both the government and parents are sharing responsibility for the rise in children obesity,and at the same time , parents should lead by example,making informed choices about food and promoting an active lifestyle .
In my opinion I think that many parents don’t see their children obesity addressing children obesity requires a combined approach
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion that restates your opinion. However, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward, affecting the overall coherence. Additionally, the connection between some ideas within paragraphs could be made clearer. For example, the transition between discussing the government’s role and parents’ roles could be smoother to better guide the reader through your argument.
Suggestions
- Try to use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas.
- Make sure that the use of cohesive devices does not affect the clarity of your argument.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. You use a range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as “obesity,” “forbids,” “intends,” and “promoting sports.” To further improve, consider the precision of your word choice and the naturalness of your expressions. For example, instead of “forbids,” you might use “regulate” or “set boundaries.”
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. However, these do not generally impede communication. Your essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affect the clarity and readability of your writing. For example, “the government should not increase the governments are take care of the children” could be revised to “the government should not be held responsible for the rise in children’s obesity.”
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. You have addressed the task by discussing both views and providing your opinion. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, when discussing the role of parents, mentioning particular habits or behaviors that contribute to obesity could make your argument more compelling.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and is well supported by relevant details.