Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion

These days , some people believe that more children get fit because of less care of thier parents , while others think tha t the government has more responsibility for this. This essay wil discuss both viewpoints and personally I acknowledge that the parents should pay more attention to thier kids.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why it is the fault of the government. One of them is that there are not enough places for training of children such as fitness centers and swimming pools that the government should invest in and build. In addition, students at school have to take more break after difficult lessons like math.
On the other hand, the parents have to spend more time on thier children sitting behind computer all day and having false diet . Nowadays, it is common for kids to play online games and chat with friends on social media such as Instagram or Telegram. Because of less attempting, the number of obesity grows among children. The parents should control thier kids daily habitats.
In my opinion, the parents are more responsible for this issue and aslo there are some solutions against this. First of all, kids getting fit have to attend to gyms on the daily basis and secondly they should focus on thier daily diet and consume more fruits and vegetables.
In conclusion, extra weight is a global problem among young people. Some believe the parents should take its responsibility, while others think that it is the fault of the government. This essay has discussed both points and provided my own opinion that the main reason is that the careless of the parents.
Safarov Jasurbek

6.5

The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and restating the opinion.

Suggestions

Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
Make sure to fully develop your ideas in each paragraph.

The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of vocabulary related to the topic, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be revised for clarity. Additionally, the use of more varied and precise language could help to strengthen the argument.

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar, punctuation and spelling. However, these do not detract from the overall clarity of the writing. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures and shows a good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some errors in verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure that could be revised for clarity. Additionally, the use of more complex grammatical structures could help to strengthen the argument.

The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both views and providing a clear personal opinion. However, the argument could be more fully developed with additional supporting details and examples. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the opinion, but could be more comprehensive.