Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some individuals think that the government is responsible for the growth in obesity in youngsters. While other people believe that it is the mistake of the parents. This essay will discuss both ideas of view and give some examples to this problem.
On the one hand, nowadays, many children are being fat. This is because, factories produce types of bad foods. Moreover, governments use strong laws for children, because children are very lazy. Furthermore, governments should build sport halls. If they construct it. Children can attend sport halls. Namely, they develop needed things .
On the other hand, children’s obesity are increasing at the moment. This is because, parents don’t look after their children very well. As a result, children are being fat by many strange things. A primary example of this is that, children don’t do exercise in the mornings. Moreover, they use phone very much time. And they eat variety of foods. Namely, parents don’t encourage their children to useful items. Mainly, children should study courses for their future, they must do exercise every day.
In conclusion, l strongly believe that parents always give good behaviors to their children. And children don’t stop from acting.
The essay is somewhat organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are some issues with the flow of ideas and the use of cohesive devices. The essay is somewhat organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are some issues with the flow of ideas and the use of cohesive devices. The transition between the two main bodies could be smoother, and the link between different ideas within the paragraphs could be clearer. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices such as linking words and cohesive pronouns is limited, which affects the overall coherence of the essay.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of ideas.
- Make sure to use pronouns and synonyms to refer back to the same idea, and to avoid repetition.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases. The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use more complex language. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases, such as “factories produce types of bad foods” and “children are being fat by many strange things,” which could be more clearly and accurately expressed. Additionally, the use of synonyms and paraphrasing is limited.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are some grammatical errors and inaccuracies. The essay attempts to use a range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors in article and noun form usage, as well as in verb tense and subject-verb agreement. These errors can sometimes make the meaning unclear or the sentences difficult to understand. Additionally, the use of passive voice is not always appropriate and could be used more effectively to vary sentence structure and focus on the action or the receiver of the action.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views that the government and parents are responsible for the rise in obesity in children. However, the arguments are not fully developed, and there is a lack of depth in the discussion. Additionally, the essay does not provide a clear personal opinion, which is required by the prompt.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all the sentences in the paragraph support this topic sentence.