Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children while other think that it is a fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some individuals think that the government is responsible for the growth in obesity in youngsters. While other people believe that it is the mistake of the parents. This essay will discuss both ideas of view and give some examples to this problem.
On the one hand, nowadays, many children are being fat. This is because, factories produce types of bad foods. Moreover, governments use strong laws for children, because children are very lazy. Furthermore, governments should build sport halls. If they construct it. Children can attend sport halls. Namely, they develop needed things .
On the other hand, children’s obesity are increasing at the moment. This is because, parents don’t look after their children very well. As a result, children are being fat by many strange things. A primary example of this is that, children don’t do exercise in the mornings. Moreover, they use phone very much time. And they eat variety of foods. Namely, parents don’t encourage their children to useful items. Mainly, children should study courses for their future, they must do exercise every day.
In conclusion, l strongly believe that parents always give good behaviors to their children. And children don’t stop from acting.
Yusupov Ruslan.
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion, which aids in its overall coherence. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical and could be improved to better guide the reader through your argument. Additionally, the cohesion between sentences and ideas within paragraphs could be enhanced to provide a clearer, more logical progression of thought.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow of your writing.
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases. You demonstrate a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as “obesity,” “children,” “government,” and “parents.” However, there are instances of awkward or incorrect word choices and collocations (e.g., “factories produce types of bad foods,” “children are being fat,” “sport halls”). Reviewing and practicing more natural and precise language use could enhance the lexical quality of your writing.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are several grammatical errors and awkward constructions. Your essay features a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. While there are some grammatical errors and awkward constructions, the overall readability is not significantly hindered. Paying closer attention to grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement, article use, and prepositional phrases, will improve the grammatical quality of your writing.
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. You have addressed the prompt by discussing both viewpoints regarding the causes of rising obesity in children, namely government responsibility and parental negligence. Your essay provides a clear introduction, presents both sides of the argument, and offers a conclusion that supports the idea that parental responsibility is crucial. However, the discussion could be enhanced with more specific examples, deeper analysis, and a clearer explanation of how the government’s role might intersect with parental responsibility in addressing childhood obesity.
Suggestions
- Try to develop your arguments more fully. Provide specific examples to support your points.
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear focus and is well-developed.