Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
There is a view that young people should required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. I disagree to this view as it can cause extra stress and depression in teenagers, and I believe they should spend a certain amount of time on leisure activities.
Full-time education can impact on youngsters’ mental health negatively. They may face gruelling schedules of subjects and extra lessons, and might struggle to catch up with them. This, in turn, can result in low scores on students’ performance. If such actions continue, teenagers might end up in stress and depression, thinking only about studying and homework. They may lose connection with the world outside. If they cannot pass the exams, they may have to study with this pressure again to retake the exam.
Young people need more free time. They should spend their leisure time on activities they want, engaging in hobbies like playing games, or drawing pictures. Doing such entertainments can reduce stress and anxiety the education caused. For instance, if teenagers play video game, such as C.S 1.6, GTA, or PUBG, they might forget about difficulties of the life, engaging in virtual world. Moreover, when students play with their peers or classmates, they can learn about teamwork, helping each other in difficult situations, and fighting against the rivals online. Playing football is another option. Classmates can play together, passing the ball to each other, and winning against the opposite team. Through such free time activities, the stress in young people might reduce, and their productivity, as well as creativity may improve.
In conclusion, I disagree to the view that involving young individuals to full time education until they are at least 18 years old, as it can increase stress and anxiety in teenagers, and I believe they should spend a particular amount of their time on leisure activities.
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction clearly states the position, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Ensure that your conclusion fully summarizes the arguments you have made in the essay.
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity. Additionally, the use of more specific examples could enhance the argument.
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are free of grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect verb forms that could be revised for clarity. Additionally, the use of more complex grammatical structures could enhance the argument.
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position and supporting it with relevant examples. The introduction and conclusion are concise and directly address the topic, and the body paragraphs each focus on a single main idea, which is well supported with specific examples. However, the essay could benefit from a more formal tone and style, and the use of more specific examples could enhance the argument.
Suggestions
- Ensure that you fully develop your arguments and provide sufficient support for your points.
- Consider using a more formal tone and style throughout the essay.