Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree?
Some people believe that subjects like music, art and drama is essential as other ones, while others think the opposite. However, I think it is not necessary as others. This essay will discuss reasons behind this trend and evaluate positive and negative effects.
On the one hand, advantages of these subjects are clear. One significant benefit could be poetry skills, which is a huge problem nowadays. These days many pupils cannot even write a rhyme, which can be solved increasing the quantity of these lessons. Another advantage is skill of playing music instruments, which stays in high-payed jobs till nowadays. The problem of unemployment, could be solved also by enlarging the number of lessons, reducing the amount of people in poor lifestyle.
But, on the other hand, these lessons have several issues, which is needed to be discussed. For the first and for the most is the period of time to master these skills, which requires minimum five years. In this long period of time, students might feel bored and anguished, while other student had already mastered their skills and have started their career path in the same period of time. Another, huge drawback is complexity of art subjects, which could be problem even for high-school students when people say it for primary ones. Most of the students fail their exam from these subjects and some of them even fell in depression, which is a big problem for primary-school pupil when they had a teen period, moreover a wonderful enjoying period of childhood.
In conclusion, in my opinion these lessons could be the additional classes for pupil who wants to learn, which could save others from taking their time.
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a standard structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the argument difficult to follow. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer’s position.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to fully develop your ideas in each paragraph and link them back to the main argument to ensure overall cohesion.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. For example, “poetry skills” could be more accurately described as “poetic abilities,” and “enlarging the number of lessons” could be better phrased as “increasing the number of lessons.”
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay contains several grammatical errors that can hinder clarity. These include issues with subject-verb agreement, article use, and sentence structure. For example, “poetry skills, which is a huge problem nowadays” should be “poetry skills, which are a significant issue nowadays,” and “student had already mastered their skills” should be “students had already mastered their skills.”
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the topic by discussing both the importance of subjects like music, art, and drama and the arguments against their inclusion in the curriculum. However, the essay could benefit from a more focused thesis statement and a clearer direction in the introduction. Additionally, the conclusion could be more substantial in summarizing the main points and restating the writer’s position.
Suggestions
- Ensure that you fully develop your arguments and support them with relevant examples and evidence.