The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about number of people employed in five types of work between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, while the figures for Accounting and Farming registered a downward trend, the reverse was true for Computing, Nursing and especially Sales. Noteworthy is the fact that, Sales showed the highest figures in each year employed and Farming had the lowest.
Focusing on increases first, the number of people who works in Computing exhibited a dramatic increase of about 10.000 and reached almost 80.000 in 2008. The figures for nursing and Sales showed a slight increase of about 2.000 and reached 60.000 in the same year, which were followed by increase to 7.000 and reached about 163.000 in 2008.
The essay is logically organized, with clear progression of ideas. However, there are some areas where the flow of information could be improved.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Consider reorganizing the information to create a more logical and coherent argument.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies and inappropriate word choices.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there are few grammatical errors. However, there are some inaccuracies that could be addressed.
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific details and examples.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific details and examples to support your main points.
- Consider using a wider range of data to illustrate your points more effectively.