The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about how many people employed in different type of the work — sales, computing, accounting, nursing and farming — in Australia from 2001 to 2008
Overall, figure for sales ,nursing and especially computing registered with upward trend, the reverse was true for accounting and farming. Noteworthy is the fact that figure for sales showed the higest that for farming showed the lowest.
Focusing on increases first, the number of people employed in sales show increase just under the 160.000 in 2001 and that followed increase just over 160.000 in 2008. While figures for computing and nursing was nearly 60.000 in 2001 and reach to just 80.000 and exactly 60.000 in 2008 respectively.
However accounting and farming bucked the trend. The number of employees for accounting was 70.000 in 2001 and this decrease under 60.000 in 2008, as well as for farming experienced gradual decrease. The number was 30.000 in 2001 and this reduce just under 20.000 in 2008
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the main trends. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are grammatically correct. However, there are a few errors that affect the clarity of the writing.
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific data and by making sure that all information is accurately reported.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific data and make sure that all information is accurately reported.