The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, the figures for sales, nursing and computing registered an upward trend, the reverse was true for accounting and farming. Noteworthy is the fact that the number of sales showed the highest number and farming had the lowest.
Focusing on increases first, despite showing the highest figures in both years, the number of people in sales exhibited a gradually increase of about 150 thousand and reached just over 170 thousand in 2008 . The figure for computing exhibited a dramatic increase of just under 60 thousand and reached just over 80 thousand in 2008. The figures for nursing the lowest increase to just under 60 thousand in 2001, and increased 60 thousand in 2008.
However, accounting and farming bucked the trend: showing the lowest number, the figure for farming declined from just over 40 thousand in 2001 to just under 40 thousand in 2008. The figure for accounting had a decrease of 70 thousand to decreased just under 50 thousand in 2008.
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. The information is sequenced in a way that makes it easy to follow the trends. However, there are a few areas where the use of cohesive devices could be improved.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to make the relationships between sentences and ideas clearer.
- Consider using more topic sentences to introduce new ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay.
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances where word choice could be improved.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are very few grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances where the choice of tense could be improved.
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The essay also provides specific details to support the main points. However, the essay could be improved by providing a more detailed comparison of the data.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed comparison of the data to help the reader understand the information better.
- Make sure to include all relevant data points and trends.