The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming in Australia between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, the figures for sales, nursing and computing registered an upward trend, the reverse was true for accounting and farming. Noteworthy is the fact that the number of sales showed the highest number and farming had the lowest.
Focusing on increases first, despite showing the highest figures in both years, the number of people in sales exhibited a gradually increase of about 150 thousand and reached just over 170 thousand in 2008 . The figure for computing exhibited a dramatic increase of just under 60 thousand and reached just over 80 thousand in 2008. The figures for nursing the lowest increase to just under 60 thousand in 2001, and increased 60 thousand in 2008.
However, accounting and farming bucked the trend: showing the lowest number, the figure for farming declined from just over 40 thousand in 2001 to just under 40 thousand in 2008. The figure for accounting had a decrease of 70 thousand to decreased just under 50 thousand in 2008.
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. The information is sequenced in a way that makes it easy to follow the trends. However, there are a few areas where the use of cohesive devices could be improved.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to make the relationships between ideas clearer.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic.
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of collocation. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
The essay uses a range of grammatical structures and there is some evidence of complex sentences. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction.
The essay provides a clear overview of the information and makes some relevant comparisons. However, the task could be more fully addressed by providing more detailed analysis of the data and by making more specific comparisons between the different sectors.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the data, including specific figures to support your comparisons.
- Make more specific comparisons between the different sectors to provide a more comprehensive analysis.