The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in 5 types of work-sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming- from 2001 to 2008 In Australia.
Overall, while the figures for the number of people in sales , computing and nursing increased , the reverse was true for accounting and farming from 2001 to 2008. Noteworthy is the fact that in both years the figures for the number of people who were employed in sales exhibited the highest figures.
Focusing on decreases first, the figures for the number of people who were employed in accounting stood at about 65000 in 2001 and this was followed by just above 60000 in 2008. Additionally, The number of people who were employed in farming registered a remarkable decrease from 30000 in 2001 to just under 20000 in 2008.
However, the number of people employed in sales registered the highest figures in both years from just under 160000 in 2001 to 165000 in 2008 . Figures for the number of people who were employed computing also saw a slight increase from just under 60000 to about 80000.lastly the figures for the number of people who were employed in nursing stood at just under 60000 in 2001 and this was followed by 60000 in 2008
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and more complex language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there is room for improvement in terms of grammatical accuracy and the use of punctuation.
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the graph and makes specific comparisons where relevant. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by making more specific comparisons between the different sectors.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the information presented in the graph.
- Make more specific comparisons between the different sectors.