The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about how many people employed in five different types of job – Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing and Farming -in Australia from 2001 to 2008.
Overall, the figure for people who employed in sales showed the highest rate in both years, while the farming had lowest.
To begin with decreases, there was a slight decrease in the number of people who employed in accounting and farming between 2001 and 2008, with dropping from 62000 to above 60000 and 30000 to 20000.
In 2001, the sales was most employed job among country, employing about 18000 people.
The essay is logically organized, and the information flows in a coherent manner. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of your writing.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies and the vocabulary could be more varied.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are grammatically correct. However, there are some errors and the writing could be more accurate.
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. However, the essay could be more specific and provide more detailed information.
Suggestions
- Try to be more specific in your writing and provide more detailed information.
- Use a wider range of structures to help you achieve this.