The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work – Sales , Accounting , Computing , Nursing and Farming – between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Overall, while the figures for Accounting and Farming experienced a downward trend , the reverse was true for Sales , Computing and Nursing. Noteworthy is the fact that Sales showed the highest figures in each year studied while Farming had the lowest.
Focusing on decreases first, despite there were 65,000 employed people in Accounting , the number of them decreased to 59, 000 in 2008. In addition, the figures for Farming stood at 25,000 in 2001 , but this was followed by a dramatic dicline to 19,000 in 2008.
However, the figures for Sales , Nursing and espicially Computing bucked the trend. The number of Sales workers saw a slight increase about of 7.000 and reached 165.000 in 2008.The number of workers in Nursing had a slight increase about of 1.000 and hit 60.000 in 2008. The figures for Computing increased dramatically to about 79.000 at the end of the period.
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there is room for improvement in terms of grammatical accuracy and the use of punctuation.
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the graph and makes specific comparisons where relevant. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the data and by making more specific comparisons between the different types of work.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the data, including specific figures to support your comparisons.
- Make more specific comparisons between the different types of work to highlight key trends and differences.