The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of works which sales, accounting, computing, nursing, farming between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, the figures for accaunting, farming a downward trend, the revers was true sales, computing, nursing had the lowest.
Focusing on the decreases first, despite the highest figures, while the number of accounting workers saw a gradual decrease of about 20 % and reached and reached just under 60 in In addition, the figures for farming workers stood at 30 % but this was followed by gradual decrease 16 %in 2001.
By contrast, the figures for sales slight increase at 21% in 2008. Hence, the number of computing saw remarkebly increase at 21% in 2008. Similar year the figures for nursing slight increase at 8%.
The essay has a clear overall structure with an introduction, an overview, and body paragraphs. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and/or more complex vocabulary. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that reduce the overall effectiveness of the essay.
The essay makes use of a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there is some evidence of a range of grammatical structures. However, there are several grammatical errors that can be distracting for the reader.
The essay provides an overview of the information presented in the graph and makes some comparisons. However, the task could be more fully covered by providing more detailed comparisons and analysis of the data.
Suggestions
- Provide more detailed comparisons and analysis of the data. Try to make more connections between the different sets of figures.