The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar chart shows the number of who employed in Australia in five different jobs (Sales, Accounting, Computing, Nursing and Farming) between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, the total of individuals who employed in Sales job hold the highest figures in both years. However, people who worked as a Farmer was fewer over a 7-year period.
Focusing on increases first, the amount of people who worked in the job of Sales was under 155.000 in 2001 year. Turning to 2008 the figure for workers slightly rose to approximately 165.000. By contrast, the amount of people worked in the job of Computing was around 60.000 in 2001. However, this trend increased to over 80.000 in 2008.
Turning to the jobs of Accounting, Nursing and Farming was higher in the previous year. However these figures decreased slightly in 2008
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and more formal language. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that need to be addressed.
The essay makes use of a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are some errors that need to be addressed.
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the chart and makes some relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the information presented in the chart.
- Make more specific comparisons between the data points.