the chart below shows the places visited by different people living in Australia
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of the four spots of Australia : zoo, library, theatre and cinema that came by three various groups of inhabitants: native people who were born in Australia, new migrants that born in countries which speak English, and other newcomers who were born in another countries.
Overall, Cinema was most popular spot compared to other places, all three types of people visited this spot while the lowest point was observed in theatre. People born in Australia and visitors who were from english-speaking countries were attended more than migrants born in other countries almost all fields regardless library.
One of the common locations,the zoo was visited by all three types of people: 41% of native people, 50% of citizens from speak-english countries, and 35% of migrants from non-english-speaking countries while library was also a popular location, citizens of another countries visited there compared to native people and newcomers of english-speaking countries 55% , 38%, and 40% respectively.
In contrast to the zoo and library, the theatre and cinema showed varying levels of popularity among the three different groups of people. There was a marked difference between cinema and theatre; The theatre had the fewest visitors in all three groups of people, while the cinema attracted a high percentage of people from all groups. Theatre was visited by 20% of native people, 24% of newcomers from english-speaking areas and 10% of new migrants from non-english-speaking countries, while cinema was attended by 70% of native, 65% of people from english-speaking countries and 50% of migrants from non-speaking-countries.
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the information. The use of cohesive devices is effective, and there is a good range of linking words. However, there are a few instances where the flow of information could be improved.
Suggestions
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Avoid mixing different ideas in the same paragraph.
- Use a wider range of cohesive devices to make the relationships between ideas more explicit.
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are error-free. However, there are a few grammatical errors that affect the clarity of the writing.
The essay provides a detailed and accurate description of the data presented in the bar chart. The writer makes appropriate comparisons and identifies key trends and features. However, the essay could be improved by providing a more detailed analysis of the data and by making more specific comparisons between the different locations and groups of people.
Suggestions
- Provide a more detailed analysis of the data, including specific figures and percentages.
- Make more specific comparisons between the different locations and groups of people.