The chart below shows the proportions of graduates from Brighton University in 2019 entering different employment sectors. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The following pie chart demonstrates the percentage of graduate students from the University of Brighton who applied to different sectors in 2019.
Overall, it can be seen from the graph that the service industry was the most popular option for graduates. Education, politics, and the manufacturing industry were also mostly chosen sectors. Charity, on the other hand, was the least on the list.
Brighton University students were mainly interested in working in the service industries; therefore, it accounted for 33.0%. In addition, manufacturing institutions were also opted for by many students, with 16.3%, which is the second most popular option for candidates. Similarly, the areas of education and politics were revealed to have almost the same proportion 14.7% and 12.1% respectively.
Other sectors, however, were not as common as above, such as transportation and warehousing; science and technology accounted 7.3% and 7.8% respectively. Finally, sport, charity and other working sectors showed less than 2.8%.
You have organized your ideas to a certain extent; however, the logic behind their arrangement isn’t always clear, impacting the smooth progression of your report. Although your ideas are connected, the links between sentences can sometimes lack fluidity, making it harder to follow your line of reasoning. You’ve used some cohesive devices, but their application is not always precise, and at times they are either overused or inaccurately used, which could confuse the reader. Additionally, your writing might seem repetitive because of the limited and sometimes inaccurate use of referencing and substitution techniques.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of your writing.
- Try to avoid repetitive use of certain phrases.
Your vocabulary fulfills the basic requirements of the task, but the limited range restricts your expression, leading to a lack of variety in your language use. You tend to repeat the same words and phrases, and there are noticeable lapses in the appropriacy of your word choice that sometimes make your arguments less convincing. Spelling and word formation errors are present and may occasionally hinder understanding.
Your sentence structures show limited variety and are often repetitive. While you attempt to use complex sentence forms, these frequently contain errors. You achieve greater accuracy with simple sentence constructions. Grammatical mistakes are common in your writing and could disrupt the reader’s flow. Furthermore, there are some issues with your punctuation, which might affect the clarity of your statements.
Your report generally meets the task requirements, but the structure you’ve chosen is sometimes inappropriate. You’ve selected key features to discuss, yet these aren’t thoroughly covered, which limits the effectiveness of your analysis. Additionally, your focus tends to shift towards minor details at times, overshadowing the broader context which is essential to grasp the full picture. There are also instances where irrelevant or inaccurate information detracts from your main argument. It’s noticeable that you could expand more on your main points to provide a clearer, more detailed illustration.
Suggestions
- Ensure that all data from the chart is accurately represented in the essay.
- Try to make comparisons where relevant to give more depth to the analysis.