The diagram illustrates percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in 4 countries in 1970 and 2020.
The diagram illustrates percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in 4 countries in 1970 and 2020.Overall, Indonesia and the USA had the highest employment rates for people aged 60-64. Notably, Belgium and Japan the less employment rates for people aged 60-64.
Higher amounts of person were worked in the USA and Indonesia compared to other countries. In 1970, in USA worked 85 percent of men aged 60-64. But in 2020 this number dropped to 80 percent. Furthermore, Indonesia also witnessed figure like this. In 1970, in Indonesia number of employed men aged 60-64 was 84 percent. Then it decreased to 72 percent.
The remaining nations in the list displayed lower output rates. When it comes to Belgium, in 1970 number of employed men aged 60-64 was 78 percent. In 2020 figure showed 52 percent men employed in 60-64 ages. Japan employed 75 percent men who aged 60-64. In 2020 the proportion declined to 62 percent.
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of an attempt to use less common and more complex language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and the majority of sentences are grammatically correct. However, there are a few errors that affect the clarity of the writing.
The essay provides a clear overview of the information presented in the diagram and makes some relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed explanations and by making more specific comparisons.
Suggestions
- Provide more detailed explanations and make more specific comparisons.
- Use a wider range of structures to discuss the data.