the graph below shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018
The line graph illustrates the number of closed stores and newly opened stores in a particular area from 2011 to 2018.
Overall, both categories experienced a decline, but the decrease in newly opened stores was significantly more decreased compared to the modest reduction in closures.
Between 2011 and 2018, there was a consistent decline in the number of shop closures, with a drop recorded almost every year. In 2011, approximately 6,300 store owners closed their businesses, however, there was minute change in this figure the following year. By 2013, the number of closed shops reached their peak at around 7,000, after that there was a slight decrease. In 2015, the closures dramatically decreased to about 700 and continued to show steady figures over the next two years.
In contrast, newly established stores showed more turbulent trends throughout the period. In the first year, the number of new openings reached its highest point at approximately 8,500. The following year observed a sharp decline to 4,000 new stores, but this figure increased to around 6,000 in 2014. However, in 2015, the number of openings declined again. For the next two years, this number levelled out before experiencing another decline in the final year of the period.
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview. The use of cohesive devices is effective, and there is a good range of linking words. However, there are a few instances where the flow of information could be improved.
Suggestions
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Avoid mixing information about shop closures and new openings in the same paragraph to maintain a clear focus.
- Use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information. For example, you could use more contrasting conjunctions to clearly indicate when you are switching from discussing shop closures to opening.
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few instances where the choice of tense is unclear or inconsistent.
The essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends, differences or stages. The information is accurately and appropriately selected and effectively compares the number of shop closures and new openings.
Suggestions
- Ensure that you fully understand the data presented in the graph and the trends it shows. Take some time to carefully analyze the information and think about how you can best present it in your writing.
- Make sure that your writing is objective and free from any personal opinions or assumptions. Stick to the data presented in the graph and use it to support your statements.