Task1
The bar chart provides information with how many people employed in five types of work – sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming – between 2001 and 2008 in Australia.
Overall, while the figure for sales dominated the highest numbers of workers over the period shown in both two years. However, the reverse was true for farming had the lowest figures of manpower each period.
Focusing on increases first, it can be noticeable that sales, computing and nursing experienced a significant increase in 2001 and 2008 years. The number of people who employed in sales increased over 10,000 in 2008 compared to 2001. Also, number of workers who employed computing and nursing showed a significant growth in 2008.
However, the figures for those who employed in other types of work such as accounting and farming experienced a noticeable decline in both 2001 and 2008 years. It is clear that the number of employees decreased almost 10,000 in 2008 rather than 2001.
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the information. The writer uses appropriate linking words and phrases to connect ideas and make the writing flow smoothly. However, there are a few areas where the cohesion could be improved, such as the transition between the overview and the detailed analysis, and the presentation of the data.
Suggestions
- Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of the writing and make the connections between ideas more explicit.
- Ensure that the presentation of the data is consistent and clear throughout the essay.
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and uses some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice, and the vocabulary could be more varied and precise in some places.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect grammatical structures, and the writing could be more varied and sophisticated in terms of grammar and sentence structure.
The essay provides a clear overview of the information and makes appropriate comparisons where necessary. The key features are identified and supported with relevant data. However, the essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis and explanation of the data, and by making more specific and direct comparisons between the different types of work.
Suggestions
- Provide more detailed analysis and explanation of the data, and make more specific and direct comparisons between the different types of work.
- Consider discussing the implications of the data and providing some possible explanations or predictions.