The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The bar graph provides information about the number of people employed in five types of work — sales, accounting, computing, nursing and farming — between 2001 and 2008.
Overall, while the figures for computing, nursing and especially sales registered a upward trend, the reverse was true for accounting and farming. Noteworthy is the fact that sales showed the highest figures in each year and farming had showed the lowest.
Focusing on increases first, despite showing the highest figures in both years, the number of computing exhibited a dramatic increase of about 20 thousand and reached just under 80 thousand in 2008. The figure for nursing saw a slight increase of about 5 thousand in 2008 to about 20 thousand in 2008.
However, accounting and farming bucked the trend: showing the highest decrease, the figures for farming went from about 30 thousand in 2001accounting, on the other hand, had a decrease of about 5 thousand to hit 63 thousand in 2008.
The essay is logically organized and presents a clear overview of the trends. However, there are some issues with the flow of information and the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there is room for improvement in terms of sentence variety and complexity.
The essay provides a clear overview of the trends and makes relevant comparisons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific data and by making sure that all information is clearly and accurately presented.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific data and details to support your main points.
- Make sure that all information is clearly and accurately presented.